After secondary school, I had this one year of my life that changed everything about my thought line, perception, the things I accepted and everything that formed my core values. Before that year, I had been through many things that attempted to define my life; I slowly and ignorantly lost my identity and consequently lived a disguised life. It hurt, but I could tell no one; how could I explain that I took myself into one mess, and then another and yet another one.
I allowed other people’s mistakes, selfishness and opinions define my own life and I was too afraid to get hold of my life and become responsible for it and sadly, I always became the recipient of the penalties. No other person helped to bear my pain; none could even understand the depth of hurt on my inside.
The people I allowed to influence my life, those whose mere opinions I built my life around, they were the people I blamed because I felt they were responsible for all my pain. I felt they owed me so much because it was obvious that they brought me to such wreck but were they actually the cause of my problems, my disguised life, low self-esteem, abuses, and pains, were they?
As much as I thought the pain I went through was my fault, I also could not help but point-accusing fingers on people who I felt pioneered the pain. It was hard to forget them; the people who talked me into doing things I regretted years after, the people who majorly influenced the decisions I took that ruin me, the people I allowed to steal my self-esteem with their degrading words and actions, the people that abused and left me with a depressed self.
I remember how the one year came by –the year that changed everything. I felt like an overloaded truck who just needed to off load or else would break down. This was a clear case of emotional fatigue which needed nothing less than an emergency attention but who would attend to me? I could not tell anyone anything and it seemed I was too good at cover-ups that no one even noticed that I was rotting on the inside. Even when I tried to talk to a few of my friends they really did not take it serious, so I gave up trying to let people understand how I felt.
Nevertheless, God who never gives up on us did a miracle for me. It wasn’t an instant miracle, it was gradual and persistent –taking off my load one at a time and healing my wounds – my burden became lighter, and lighter, I gathered strength, built stamina, until I became whole.
On that year, God took me through series of emotional surgeries and after each one I became better and better. He led me into the operating theatre and I was changed by the power of His word. The bible, messages I listened to from different men and women of God and the books I read from Spirit led authors transformed my life. I learnt principles and began again to lay the foundation of my life. I had to put my life in order and decide on the things to accept and the ones to lay off, I had to take responsibility over my life, and chose the people who can influence it. I had to identify who I am not, and understand who I am, who God created me to be, I needed to answer the question “why am I here” and even when I didn’t understand everything, at least I knew what path to take and the one not to.
I knew the kind of person I never wanted to become; I understood my strengths, my weaknesses, the things I needed to work on, my passion, and day after day, my life began to have a defined path, I had to forgive, I had to learn, and sometimes I tried to forget somethings in order to move on. I had to accept my faults, my mistakes and I had to retrieve every known privilege I gave to people to hurt me and I decided to be and remain happy, even as a teenager –A happy teenager – and even as I grow to adulthood and meet with other phases of life.
You may have gone through one emotional trauma or another and may even go through rough times I have not imagined. You may have lost your identity, self-esteem, hope for living, and you could be going through such pain even right now, I know just the right antidote for you. Do I sound too confident?
It is because at that time, I also could not imagine God could work out my devastated state and bring out beauty from it. I heard a lot about what God could do; how He could change things but when I went through the transformation, I could feel the miracle, the touch, the makeover, the healing, and the wholeness. I had been a whole teenager since that year, and even when I left teen age, my wholeness remains with me in this new phase. And it is not that I don’t struggle over somethings, or get burdened any more, but this time, I have found the way out from all that stress so when I am aching in any area, I open up to let the word of God fix that area of my life. Every day, I keep learning how to conquer and become a better person, I keep improving, I keep progressing, and this happens only as I allow God to gain total influence over my life.